Don't make out with my wife yet
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
