he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
