It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
