This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize