Kareoke will never be a sober sport
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
