I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize
