Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
