I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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