I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
