it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize