I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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