some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
