Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I don't think brook has ever known best
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
