My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
