i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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