i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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