Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
