Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
