Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
you made out with another girl for some wings
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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