then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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