He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
