feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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