i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize
