the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
