I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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