she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize