the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm both gender and math confused
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
