How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Randomize
