I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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