I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
