There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
