Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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