you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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