Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
