That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
