If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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