How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
