My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
