peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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