Im at strip club and am horny
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
