i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
