Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize