nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
