I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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