it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
