yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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