I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
