he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
