i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
