you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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