I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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