I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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