i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
