It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
