Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
